Below you will get the short story about my situation. In reality it is way more complicated and too private to be public to anyone. I have anyway chosen to publish the short edition, because I believe than openness about my situation will make it easier for me in the future.
My life may have seemed satisfying to me when seen from the outside. At times it might even have seemed happy. From the inside it is though another story.
In my puberty everything got a little foggy when it comes to my gender, my gender identity and my sexuality. In the start I just felt different. It was, however, without being able to describe it. I was beginning to feel that I needed to express myself as a woman, for example through wearing women’s clothing. In fact, I can not explain why I started on this.
Sadly, I think, that my puberty ended with me giving up finding my gender identity. It was too painful to deal with. So I threw away the key…and then looked for it EACH single day afterwards.
Next I considered myself as a person with no gender, that really wasn’t useful for anything. This lead to a life where I in many ways was self-destructive. For instance I cared less and less about my health.
Regularly I continued to experiment with wearing women’s clothing. My body was far from made for this. I was constantly disappointed. But I continued experimenting year after year, and the experiments got more and more desperate. I wasted a huge amount of money on clothes etc. I never understood, what I really needed to do, to get further on with my life.
The turning point
In 2014 I almost gave up. However I did as a last thing create a digital image of myself as a woman, where everything looked right. This may have been the actual turning point in my life. The image initiated a lot of thoughts in my mind. At January 6th 2015 there was in the middle of the night so much proof going through my head towards me being a woman. This forced me to jump out of the closet the next day to colleagues and family – as being transgendered – or what I prefer: A woman born in the wrong body. In reality I also jumped out of the closet to myself.
The time afterwards was mostly a happy time. I was very relieved of having told the secret I had hid all my life. The disappointments suddenly turned into successes, when I started to believe that I was a woman. Actually it was hard to understand, how much positive there would come out of this. I cried of happiness each time I thought about it. It motivated me to go through with so many things that I never before had had the psyche and the energy to start and finish. When I came out on Facebook in September 2015 I tried to illustrate some of them as a part of coming out. See the pictures I posted here.
The woman inside developed with the speed of lightning. I didn’t really have control of how fast it went. I saw myself a lot in other women. At some point this mirror image got so clear that I wasn’t really able to see the man anymore – when looking down on myself in women’s clothes. This lead to the thought of a new name and I began thinking about the gender change operation.
Today – July 2015
I am still a little bit Martin today, even if I really is Maya. Maya wasn’t allowed to get out. So now I have gone from being maybe 20% me to being 100% me. Actually there has been times when the 20% has worked really fine – when it comes to my career. So I am excited to find out what 100% can lead to 🙂
Below is a picture of me that shows how far I’ve been able to go on my own when it comes to reaching the female look that fits with the inside of me. The picture was taken in August 2015 after my first job interview as Maya. I got my brows and eyelashes dyed the week before, and my hair was dyed on the day. I hope you can see the satisfaction in my eyes.
In the future(2016>) follows a row of deeper changes which are to me the most important ones. I need the doctors help to get through those. I can only get the outside to match the inside, with the help from the doctors.
I write about my life – moving away from the wrong body – in a group on Facebook, which you can follow if the topic interests you. I am also ALWAYS open to – try to – answer questions in any language you might have. This is my offer to like minded people and their relatives, who wish to follow me on close range, maybe to learn about their own situation. But really anybody can be a part of this 😉
You can follow me on my regular Facebook profile, if you “only” wish to follow my life as a woman. Some things will only get posted here on the website. You can stay updated with those by subscribing here.
Now you know my story. I hope this only gets us closer to each other. To fear the unknown is something of the worst in this world.